Skip to main content

Girl Scout Cookie Season Survival Guide

A couple of days ago I warned everyone of the pending doom that is the girl scout cookie drive. Well, I thought I would follow up this warning with some steadfast survival tips to get you through the cookie domination. For most critical mass situations, it is wisely advised to remain in your homes, however no one is safe... especially in your homes. So please, please, please take heed to the following tips; they could just save your life.

KNOW WHAT TO LOOK FOR
Evil presents itself in many different forms. But from January to March every year, evil looks like an angelic little girl usually sporting pig tails. They adorn themselves with sashes displaying their victories over various conquests while dressing in military-esque green uniforms. They are always accompanied with what is usually disguised as an authority figure also called "Mom" or "Troop Leader"... but don't be fooled, you can tell by the eyes that this "authority figure" is really the one being led by a slave master pushing them to one more house; always selling one more box. These evil scouts are tireless in their attempts at world domination, or at the very least, neighborhood domination.

PREPARATION IS KEY TO SURVIVAL
Stockpiling supplies, food, water and clothing during the months before January through March is strongly advised and by all means make sure that you have a savings account with enough reserve that you can survive for up to 6 months of being "cut off" from the rest of the world.

AWAY FROM HOME
Evil knows where you need to be, so they set up fortresses outside of every entrance/exit of your local grocery store, mall or home improvement outlet. If you must pass through a girl scout cookie fortress, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT make eye contact. If you make eye contact you are a goner. If passing through the fortress upon exiting a store, your purchases can be used as a distraction if properly utilized. Again, do not make eye contact and when you're within 100 feet of their cookie table of terror, throw your goods on the ground and run for your life immediately. This distraction technique only gives you about a 30 second lead-time before evil is again locked on you. The benefit of this technique, though, is that you've also just lightened your load and can get away faster.

AT HOME
I would love to tell you that you are safe in your home, but you are not. Girl Scouts know where you are weak and they know where you live. If the doorbell rings, do not answer it at any cost. In fact, draw all your blinds and just don't open the door at all for the months of January through March. If you MUST work, telecommute. If you can't telecommute and you haven't stockpiled resources, then just don't pay your bills. Surviving cookie drive is far greater than having electricity and running water, but know that existing supplies must be rationed in order to make it through this evil unscathed.

AT WORK
As I just said, TELECOMMUTE! The evil minions know that it is not easy to gain access where we work but have (long ago) managed to infiltrate our workplaces. The "authority figures" have direct orders to gather our information on colorful rosters for cookies to be brought to you. The wonderful person that you once knew as "Betty in accounting", from January to March, is a hollow shell with one objective: gathering cookie orders. It is just better to avoid a work environment all together. One tip as suggested by one of this blogger's loyal readership (I have 44 followers and I love them all!!!) is to fake an illness for an extended absence at work... Malaria I think is what was suggested. That is WONDERFUL advice, but this tactic will require preparation because once this blog post hits mainstream, I'm SURE that doctors will no longer be available from January through March. Come to think of it, that's not such a good idea because EVERYONE will suddenly have Malaria and the Center For Disease Control will have everyone quarantined and.... Holy Machunka! MY READERS ARE BRILLIANT!!! OK, so strike everything I just said....
NEW PLAN
Everyone fake Malaria from January through March. Then the entire continent will be quarantined and in effect SHUT DOWN driving this evil cookie drive thing to the "other" continents. Then in April when THEY are without utilities and sustenance hiding in their homes we invade. I LOVE IT!!!
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Past 7 Days....

Gorgous Leaves Bundle Revisited

Yestday's Freebie Friday on a Monday projects were so fun and this set is SO BEAUTIFUL in it's simplicity!  It reminds me of a long-retired stamp set from Stampin Up!.  I was inspired to re-create the projects that I made with it once upon a time.  So here we go.... SIMPLE projects when you need a quick "hello" or an even quicker heartfelt sympathy card: I was DEFINITELY on a Bumblebee and Cajun Craze kick yesterday!  I can't stop/won't stop!  LOL!  To be fair... I had extra leaves die cut and didn't want anything to go to waste!  A quick speckle backdrop in Bumblebee then a quick "hello" greeting from the Biggest Wish in Cajun Craze with the Cajun Craze leaf popped up on a Basic White cardbase.  PERFECTION! Okay, as with yesterday's projects, the sentiment is from the recently retired SAB Delicate Dahlia's set, but you could use ANY sympathy sentiment you have in your stash.  Unlike in the past when I had to mask off the center rectangle...
Post a Comment
Read more

New Year New Copic Class

Ok, so it's another year and we're looking forward to the year ahead, but if you're anything like me, you haven't even begun to sift through all of your 2010 stuff yet and it's time to start a new year. Welp, here's a little help... I created this tag to use as an embellishment for a 2010 Christmas scrapbook layout and now YOU can make one too as it is also the featured project at Paper Vineyard's Copic Palooza on January 23, 2011!!! Everthing you need to make this tag will be provided at the class, all you need to bring is a paper trimmer, scissors, adhesive and your Copic markers. This is a monochromatic class and the suggested copics to bring with you to class are ANY FOUR copics in the Cool, Neutral or Warm color families. I used C0, C2, C6, and C9. The best part is you get to take this ADORABLE Kraftin Kimmie Virginia stamp home with you for future creations (and maybe even a head start on your 2011 CHRISTMAS CARDS!!! hahahahahhahaha ! Now that's RE...
7 comments
Read more

MY VERY FIRST CRICUT CARTRIDGE GIVE AWAY!

Ok ... so the time has come. I've got some BRAND NEW, NEVER BEEN USED, STILL IN THE PLASTIC Cricut Cartridges to give away over the next couple of months and it starts with one of my ALL-TIME FAVORITES...... Hannah Montana! YAY! I LOVE this cartridge! It's got the most beautiful guitar images along with musical notes and FIVE fonts! I used the regular font and the rock star font to create my Father's Day card this year (see above). I also used the Hannah Montana cart (see below) to create a beautiful butterfly (FREE Gypsy cut file HERE ), and am currently working on a project using the gorgeous solitaire diamond. There's a rose and lips and decorative hearts, even a Pegasus ! There's just so much on this cartridge.... I use it a lot! To call this a "font" cartridge is terribly misleading. It's been a long time favorite and now I'm THRILLED to be able to give it away to one of my awesome readers! So here's how to win: Become one of my follower...
28 comments
Read more