Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Girl Scout Cookie Season Survival Guide

A couple of days ago I warned everyone of the pending doom that is the girl scout cookie drive. Well, I thought I would follow up this warning with some steadfast survival tips to get you through the cookie domination. For most critical mass situations, it is wisely advised to remain in your homes, however no one is safe... especially in your homes. So please, please, please take heed to the following tips; they could just save your life.

Evil presents itself in many different forms. But from January to March every year, evil looks like an angelic little girl usually sporting pig tails. They adorn themselves with sashes displaying their victories over various conquests while dressing in military-esque green uniforms. They are always accompanied with what is usually disguised as an authority figure also called "Mom" or "Troop Leader"... but don't be fooled, you can tell by the eyes that this "authority figure" is really the one being led by a slave master pushing them to one more house; always selling one more box. These evil scouts are tireless in their attempts at world domination, or at the very least, neighborhood domination.

Stockpiling supplies, food, water and clothing during the months before January through March is strongly advised and by all means make sure that you have a savings account with enough reserve that you can survive for up to 6 months of being "cut off" from the rest of the world.

Evil knows where you need to be, so they set up fortresses outside of every entrance/exit of your local grocery store, mall or home improvement outlet. If you must pass through a girl scout cookie fortress, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT make eye contact. If you make eye contact you are a goner. If passing through the fortress upon exiting a store, your purchases can be used as a distraction if properly utilized. Again, do not make eye contact and when you're within 100 feet of their cookie table of terror, throw your goods on the ground and run for your life immediately. This distraction technique only gives you about a 30 second lead-time before evil is again locked on you. The benefit of this technique, though, is that you've also just lightened your load and can get away faster.

I would love to tell you that you are safe in your home, but you are not. Girl Scouts know where you are weak and they know where you live. If the doorbell rings, do not answer it at any cost. In fact, draw all your blinds and just don't open the door at all for the months of January through March. If you MUST work, telecommute. If you can't telecommute and you haven't stockpiled resources, then just don't pay your bills. Surviving cookie drive is far greater than having electricity and running water, but know that existing supplies must be rationed in order to make it through this evil unscathed.

As I just said, TELECOMMUTE! The evil minions know that it is not easy to gain access where we work but have (long ago) managed to infiltrate our workplaces. The "authority figures" have direct orders to gather our information on colorful rosters for cookies to be brought to you. The wonderful person that you once knew as "Betty in accounting", from January to March, is a hollow shell with one objective: gathering cookie orders. It is just better to avoid a work environment all together. One tip as suggested by one of this blogger's loyal readership (I have 44 followers and I love them all!!!) is to fake an illness for an extended absence at work... Malaria I think is what was suggested. That is WONDERFUL advice, but this tactic will require preparation because once this blog post hits mainstream, I'm SURE that doctors will no longer be available from January through March. Come to think of it, that's not such a good idea because EVERYONE will suddenly have Malaria and the Center For Disease Control will have everyone quarantined and.... Holy Machunka! MY READERS ARE BRILLIANT!!! OK, so strike everything I just said....
Everyone fake Malaria from January through March. Then the entire continent will be quarantined and in effect SHUT DOWN driving this evil cookie drive thing to the "other" continents. Then in April when THEY are without utilities and sustenance hiding in their homes we invade. I LOVE IT!!!

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