My Journey of 1000 Miles

So... how to begin this???  Welp, I guess with being blunt.  I was a child who grew up in an abusive home being kicked out of the house around the age of 16.  I have spent MANY years of my life working on forgiveness and getting to a point where I can say that I've overcome the "consequences" of living with an abuser.  It is something that I willingly admit still rears its ugly head, not because of unforgiveness, but because of unrepentance (well this is what I thought anyway).  The relationship remained toxic well into my adulthood to the point where I finally separated from the abuser.  Well, you might guess from how I started this blog post that my abuser was a family member.

Recently, I had another family member share with me that I have issues (that she will be praying for) and that my separation was wrong.  I was told that I was rigid and that I needed to look past the abuse even if the abuser did not repent.  That, me being a Christian, I was called to love my enemies, feed them, clothe them and walk with them 2 miles if they walk a mile and that God never called us to act out of self-love or self-respect.  I REALLY toiled with that because I too have read that I needed to love my enemies, but this person was not supposed to be my enemy... they were supposed to be my protector.  Did God really want me to be around an unrepentant abuser???  I don't know what was truly going through this family member's head and heart when she said what she said (only God knows that; perhaps I AM manic as she suggested), but it is my experience that it ALL is used by God.  No matter how hurt I was in hearing all of this, I AM grateful!  CLEARLY it is time for me to deal with the issues I still have no matter how offended I may be.  I trust God's love for me above all else!  If I am wrong and need to change, I pray that God humbles me and helps me change.

So here is where I am, submitting this to God.  Above all things I believe Him.... so off I go to my Bible.
John 3:20-21 For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed.  But whoever does what is true comes to the light, so that it may be clearly seen that his works have been carried out in God.

As I've discovered with previous Bible studies, God has a way of veering me off whatever way he wishes (He's funny like that), but this is how I'm planning my attack:

1.  Study self-love.  Is it wrong?

2.  Study abuse.  WHY can't I deprogram the pain?  

3.  Study forgiveness.  Is this me really not forgiving?  I feel like I've forgiven the past, I feel like it is the distrust of the future that guides my actions.  Is that just justification?  Even God, himself, requires repentance.

4.  Talk to church counselors for confirmation during my study.

5.  Daily prayer asking for God's thoughts to be my own.  I know that God loves me and will answer my prayer.

6.  Journal the journey of 1000 miles!!!!
7.  Consult with other Christian-based resources on the topic of abuse.
8.  Check with healthcare professional to see if I'm manic... I just laughed as I typed that, but I guess someone who is manic maybe wouldn't know. 

Ok... so today is day 1 and here is my journal:

Ephesians 5:29-30 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.

Mark 12:30-31 And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these.

What was my take away from today? Loving yourself and self respect isn't wrong.... he built us to love ourselves. It is when the love we have for ourselves (and other things) is more important than our love for Him or our love for others that there is a problem.

2 Timothy 3:2-5 For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.

Ok... it is WAY past time for bed and I have writer's cramp, but today was an AWESOME day of Bible study!!!